NetSujit World

I know that the fastest way to despair is by comparing one’s insides with another’s outsides, and that Max Ehrmann, the author of the classic poem “Desiderata,” was absolutely correct when he said that if you compare yourself with others you become either vain or bitter, or, as Helen Keller put it: “Instead of comparing our lot with that of those who are more fortunate than we are, we should compare it with the lot of the great majority of our fellow men. It then appears that we are among the privileged.”

But Helen and Max don’t keep me from going to the land of comparisons and envy. Before long, I’m salivating over someone else’s book, or blog, or “Today Show” appearance. Then I have to pull out my set of directions–these 8 techniques–that will lead me out of the continent of jealousy and home, to self-acceptance:

1. Get more information:

Most of the time we envy one quality about a person, and we presume the rest of his qualities are as perfect as the one we want. That’s usually not the case. Do some research on the person you want to temporarily destroy and you will find that he has his own set of problems and weaknesses. Moreover, if you consider his success in context, you’ll see that he hasn’t always been a superstar–that maybe, just maybe, back when you got a blue ribbon for the fastest freestyle swimmer in the 7 to 8 age group, he was afraid to dive in the pool or couldn’t figure out how to swim without getting water up his nose. My point: you don’t have the full story. Once you do, you’ll feel better. I think.

2. Compliment him:

“WHAT?!? You can’t be serious,” you’re thinking to yourself. Actually I am. I have tried it numerous times and it works. Last year I came across a blogger I envied. She had two degrees from Yale. Her books were bestsellers. Her Technorati score (blog traffic) was, well, much better than mine.

So…. I did something very counterintuitive. I e-mailed her to tell her how impressed I was with her, and I would very much like to interview her over my blog. When I started reading through her blogs, I found this great story about her feelings of insecurity regarding a fellow writer whom she felt somewhat threatened by because he was writing on the same topics as she was. What did she do about it? She contacted him and took him out to lunch.

I couldn’t believe that she had moments of insecurity too! I mean, she’s got two Yale degrees! Nowhere in her bio did it mention insecurity. But by complimenting her, and connecting with her, and dare I say befriending her, I learned that she is just like me–with some outstanding strengths but some fears and reservations and insecurities, as well.

3. Do one thing better than him:

This suggestion comes from Beyond Blue reader

I believe that if you don’t succeed at first … you keep trying… and that failure teaches us about success… I believe that laughter is the best medicine… I believe that the best revenge against your enemies is to dress better than them…

I absolutely loved the “dress better than your enemy” directive because it reminds us that we can always find one thing that we can do better than our friend-nemesis. If matching designer outfits gives you a boost of confidence, knock yourself out! If competing in a triathlon just to prove that you are in better shape than your mean cousin with a great figure will help, sign up!

4. Put the ladle (and the running shoes) away:

Early in my previous college, my mentor Pradeep Sir would say to me (when I panicked before performing or over academics especially while facing my seniors): “His success doesn’t take away from yours. … His numbers have nothing to do with yours.” I always remember that when I start thinking like a gerbil … that there is only one food bowl, and if you don’t get to it first and take as much as you need for an entire year, you and your whole gerbil family will die. Or, if you’re a malyalee, mom has made one whole container of idlis and dosas, so you had better dig in and eat before your selfish brother ingests your portion.

I repeat: one person’s success doesn’t rob another person’s success. In fact, success can often breed success.

5. Learn from him:

Your enemy-friend is doing something right if  he has your attention. There is a reason you are threatened. So, get out your scribbling pad and take some notes. If you want to network with his confidence and charm, then study him at a cocktail party. If you envy his fluid writing style, buy a few of his books, and dissect his sentences just like you did the frog in Biology 101. If you want her 36-24-36 Disney Princess figure, ask her what she does for a workout. If she responds “nothing but eat ice-cream,” you can ignore this and keep reading.

6. Find yourself:

For those of you without a point in time like my psych-ward “special moment” you need to create one. All you need to do is to be quiet for a few hours in a peaceful setting (I suggest some woods or a nearby creek if you’re not afraid of ticks), and introduce yourself to yourself. “Self, meet Self. Nice to meet you, Self.” Then you guys have to become friends. How? Think about all the things you like about yourself. Get out your self-esteem file and read it.

During this time, give yourself a pep talk. Pump yourself up. Maybe sketch out some goals for yourself. What do you need to do to be able to go forward with more confidence? What specific actions will allow you to believe in yourself a tad more?

7. Do your best:

The ultimate weapon against jealousy and envy is simply to do your best. Because that’s all you really can do. Your friend-nemesis still may run farther than you, swim faster, and sell more books. But the only thing that matters is that you have done the best job that you can do. Then you can breathe a sigh of relief and feel some satisfaction.

The fourth (and final) agreement in Don Miguel Ruiz’s book, “The Four Agreements” is “Always Do Your Best.” He writes:

Just do your best–in any circumstance in your life. It doesn’t matter if you are sick or tired, if you always do your best there is no way you can judge yourself. And if you don’t judge yourself there is no way you are going to suffer from guilt, blame, and self-punishment. By always doing your best, you will break a big spell that you have been under.