NetSujit World

One thing that strikes me about depression recovery is how people can become invisible to themselves. They don’t matter, they don’t “count,” and they take themselves out of the picture before anything ever happens.

I know this both professionally and personally. Long time back, i actually fell into a depression mode bcoz of some uncertainities in my educational life. For myself, I know I just gave all I had to my parents when I was depressed. I gave what I could as a son and a friend. Not only did I think of them first, I just didn’t think about me hardly at all. I thought about my state of being and my misery, but I didn’t really think about ME as a whole significant human being.

During that time, I really needed support from my closed ones but instead, i was being more pressed down by my own people. Even during that time, i wasn’t feelin that I am getting pressed down. I was feeling like the people are really stressed and so they are removing their frustuation over me by insulting me. I was completely ignoring myself. Infact, as i said, I become invisible to myself.

After a while of living like this, I just kind of forgot about myself. I did what I needed to so I could be dressed appropriately for work, for bed, for getting out of the house to get groceries, and so on. I was pseudo-functional. But being functional and taking care of myself were completely different things.

When you are depressed, a lot of your thoughts tell you that you are so wrong in so many ways. Eventually, you might conclude that it would just be easier if you dropped into a hole somewhere and you didn’t need anything. If there is no way to make up for all your “wrongness,” then at least get out of the way. Don’t make any more fuss than you already are just by existing and breathing air.

You get into a bad mental habit of thinking like this after weeks, months, even years. Finally, when you are fortunate to find help in one form or another, you start to come out of the fog. As you come out of the fog, you discover a great deal about yourself that has changed since you’d been depressed. I forgot how to make myself important to myself and to others. I didn’t say anything if I thought things were touchy or there was conflict. I didn’t take the initiative to do something out of the blue that I enjoyed. Or if I did, I sometimes felt bad about it later. Then I forgot to keep it up. It’s like I felt bad for feeling good.

Depression thinking is the culprit here. Rampant negativism and a flood of shaming thoughts overrides the mind’s ability to fight back. After a while, it’s just easier to let it wash over for a while. When you are in depression recovery, it is important to remember that the flood is under better control.

It is indeed right and salutary that you should enjoy yourself and be significant in the world! The shame talk is not reality, that is the depression. Do not forget yourself, and make sure no one else does either.